I just want you all to know how much I appreciate the many emails you've sent keeping me up to date on world events, dangerous situations, humanitarian efforts, terrorist tactics, conspiracies, government cover-ups, corporate greed, and unpublicized rebates. From the volume of emails I personally receive from you, and from the numerous recipients I noticed in the "To:"and "CC:" fields of your emails, I know you disseminate this various and sundry information to everyone you know or who knows someone you know, or whose email address was harvested by your email client. I realize this doesn't just happen but requires considerable effort on your part. Because of you I am healthier, safer, wiser, and well informed.
Your most recent email exposing the dangers of Coca-Cola was most enlightening. While I still use Coke, thanks to you, I no longer drink it. I put the information you provided to good use, however, and now use Coke to remove rust and water stains in the tub, sink, and toilet, and also as a degreaser prior to painting metal surfaces. But I've completely abandoned Pepsi and Dr. Pepper even for those applications now that I know Muslims, who own those corporations, have cunningly hidden the phrase "Allah Akbar", using stylized Arabic script, in their corporate logo. Likewise, I refuse to buy products from Proctor and Gamble because of your revealing email exposing them as devil worshipping Satanists who are funding the anti-Ten Commandments movement. I've learned it was Proctor and Gamble who subsidized Madeline Murray O'Hair's successful effort to ban school prayer. And I know now that Proctor and Gamble is actively lobbying to reverse the 50 year old addition "under God" from the Pledge of Allegiance.
Now that I know Cheerios and Kix contains TSP (tri-sodium-phosphate), the active ingredient in Spic-N-Span, all cereals from General Mills are off my shopping list. Thanks also for the info about estrogen in frozen foods, which might turn me gay, and the aflotoxins in fruit imported from Chile, which causes sterility and impotence. And I'll be sure to remember that Kiwi fruit from New Zealand has been proven to cause facial hair in women and premature balding in men the next time I'm in the produce aisle.
Thanks to you I now carefully remove Saran wrap from items before putting them in the microwave. I was unaware of the secret government study, suppressed by DuPont, proving that procedure causes cancer, - until I received your email. I've discarded all my aluminum cookware and refuse to buy beverages in aluminum cans now, since reading that confidential Alcoa memo you forwarded linking aluminum to Alzheimer's disease. I took your advice and no longer use deodorants because they all contain aluminum dioxide. Perhaps it is no coincidence that, as your email pointed out, alzheimer is the Viennese word for aluminum.
I stopped checking the coin return on pay phones because of your warning that invidious homosexuals are booby-trapping phones with AIDS infected needles, hoping an infected "straight" population will spur government handouts to AIDS victims. I no longer answer my home phone because I know now my number could be hijacked and I might be charged for calls made by illegal immigrants, to Mexico, Haiti, Iran, and Afghanistan. I've stopped going to malls because terrorists, disguised as fragrance demonstrators, have been spraying shoppers with deadly ricine poison. I refuse to accept packages from UPS or FedEx now that I know Al Qaeda has infiltrated those companies and are lacing packages with lethal anthrax.
My shoes are a bit worn but I won't have to buy a new pair since I took advantage of that secret offer from Adidas you told me about. Who would have thought I could get an $80 pair of sneakers just for replying to a secret email address. And yes, I didn't forget to put "Secret Offer" in the subject line. My free pair should arrive any day now. I am also waiting for the top secret US Army fuel atomizer the government has been using since 1945 after discovering it among classified Nazi war material. I'm not surprised Exxon and British Petroleum demanded it not be released to the public. But thanks to you I figure I'll soon be getting 90 mpg. I'm not concerned about the $199.00 cost of the fuel atomizer because it is just a fraction of the $14,000.00 check from Microsoft and AOL that is on its way. If you hadn't told me about that secret email test they sponsored I would have missed out.
I will not consider buying French wine or cheese, or German beer, since those countries allow workers, with known Al Qaeda contacts, access to vulnerable areas where toxic viral agents have been detected in products destined for export to the United States. I've canceled this summer's vacation to Italy because of the classified CIA warning that a summer assault against American tourists is expected, using smallpox virus stolen from an unsecured Russian biological weapons depot. I was horrified to learn the CIA was ordered by President Bush not to go public with this information because the Pope warned he would issue a Papal encyclical excommunicating Catholics who were registered Republicans if pilgrims, and their donations, to the Vatican dropped due to the advisory. But not to worry, I'll be going to Atlantic City this year, and I'll pass up the complementary drinks in the casinos that are doped with a secret chemical that makes you believe you can't lose. Thanks for that timely info.
I no longer eat at fast food restaurants since your revelation that McDonald's, Burger King, and Wendy's were caught in a federal sting trying to import beef from England that was ordered destroyed due to mad cow exposure. Like you, I have no doubt the Fast Food Retailers Association used their combined 27 billion dollar advertising budget as a powerful incentive to keep this out of the newspapers and off the airwaves. I will no longer buy Perdue chicken due to their cruel breeding practices, which produces chickens without beaks, eyes, feet, or feathers. During their short five-week life cycle these mutant creatures are force-fed a nutrient laced mixture of silage through plastic tubes rammed down their throats. They are then harvested with a blast of super cold nitrogen, instantly freezing them for packaging. Again, I would not have been aware of this if it wasn't for your efforts.
It is a shame the Internet and email were not around years ago when my children were growing up. If it were I would have known about Mr. Rogers and Captain Kangaroo and would not have allowed my kids to watch those shows. It was a shock to learn that the seemingly gentle Mr. Rogers was an Army sniper in WWII with 180 confirmed kills and the equally benign Capt. Kangaroo was nicknamed "The Butcher" by his squad mates on Saipan because of his disturbing habit of skulking out alone each night, armed with just his combat knife. He'd return just before dawn, his eyes glazed and his uniform splattered with blood. No one dared ask where he'd been. I always felt there was something a bit odd, perhaps sinister, behind those quiet, soothing voices. Now I know why. I can only hope my children's exposure to these psychopaths hasn't caused them harm. I'll be watching closely for any signs.
Before a recent comforting email from you I lived in fear of eternal damnation. I know now that, according to my calculations, my salvation is assured because I have 3.1412^6 angels praying for me. (I think that's 31412 followed by 6 zeros.) I arrived at this considerable figure by multiplying the number of St. Comara's novenas I forwarded to friends such as you with the number of conservatively assumed reforwards they should have generated. I hope you didn't let me down when you got your copy from me. Until I read that same email I never realized God only answers prayers if you forward an email to seven friends and intimidate them into forwarding the message on to seven more and so on and so on ad infinatam. This requirement must be in Revelations. I never read that part of the Bible; all this time I thought my prayers went unanswered because I was a sinner.
Since I read all your emails and faithfully followed all the instructions I know you will return the favor now and help me with this simple request. I've just petitioned a little known mystic with a personal appeal. To have my prayer answered I must get 562,623,427 emails in circulation at the same time. I computed this exact figure via a complicated and obscure Tibetan prayer which I found on a secret website whose address was woven into a holy prayer cloth I purchased on ebay. To get the required number of emails in circulation the first seven people (you are # 5) I send this to must send it on. It is mathematically impossible the magic number will be met if any of the first seven refuse to forward this message. Accordingly the Tibetan monk has placed a curse on any who fail to keep this message in circulation. If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people within 12 minutes of receiving this message a huge flock of Canada Geese with intestinal distress will descend on your front lawn tomorrow evening after a day of feeding on earthworms at the local sewage disposal settling tanks. I am confidant this will happen because a friend of my cousin's sister-in-law's hairdresser knows a man who works with a women whose ex-husband's deceased brother's third wife lives across the street from a man who received this same request and foolishly disregarded it. They declared his house a Federal environmental Superfund site and razed it within a week. Think I'm exaggerating? You can look it up on Google - but remember - you only had 12 minutes to get those emails out and you've already wasted 5 reading this.Thanks in advance for your support.
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